Question

Проверьте эссе! Срочно! Что добавить, что изменить? 

nowadays there are a lot of social proplems and workaholism - is one of them. Who are they, workaholics? So many people think about this problem, and all of them have their own opinion. 
From my point of view, it is much better way to be an workaholic in modern world. Of course, there are many positive and negative components, pluses and minuses. On the one hand, some people are interested in their job and on work they become much happier. There are a lot of well-known stories, when hard-working person becomes successful, rich and famous. On the other hand, there are many people who dislike their work, but they become workaholics becouse career forses. They depend on their job and spend every minute of the day working, do not have time for anyone else, for example for relatives and friends. it plays a harmful role for organism too: people become more agressive, pessimistic and stressed, relying on coffee and try to keep awake, not enough sleep, eat a poor diet. The risk of having a heart attack increases significantly, as does a chance to get other health problems such as cancer.
Finally, i can say that so many people, so many minds, but everithing, particulary workaholism, should be in moderation. People should pay attention not only for work, but on their privat-life too.

Answer 1

Всё отлично, только концовку можно другую, а в общем всё хорошо)