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I was called, "gay" throughout middle and high school. Rarely in a playful manner. Gay was thrown at me as a pejorative. It was a word intended to hurt. To cut deep into my skin and make me feel shame. Gay was also whispered behind my back. Speculations about my sexuality were nonstop, and rumors were constantly spread without my knowledge. I denied the rumors the best I could, and pushed my same-sex attractions deep down. Being bisexual (although I didn't know it at the time), I focused my attention on women. But in the back of my mind, there were always a ton of what if's that nagged at me. What if I am gay? What if I tried kissing a man? What if they're all right?
So when I got to college, I decided I wanted to try it. And by it, I mean men. I wanted—no, I needed—to have a sexual experience with a man. I wasn't sure how the experience would look. I wasn't sure if I would like it, but I knew I had to give it a shot. The nagging urge was clearly not going away anytime soon.
It didn't take long for it to happen. My second week of college I hooked up with my first guy. In order to get to that point where I allowed myself to be intimate with another man, I got hammered. So drunk that I left midway through kissing him to go vomit. After the experience, I was more confused than I was before. It offered no clarity. It was so meh. I thought I would have this epiphany. Either I'd love it or I'd hate it, but when neither happened, I began to question my sexuality even more. I realize now my confusion stemmed from the fact that I wasn’t in the correct headspace to explore my sexuality. So here are 7 things I wish I knew before making out with my first guy in college.
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